Were You Constantly Shamed For Being Different While Growing Up?

‘There’s just something that sets them apart’
‘She has these different ideas and it’s fascinating’
‘He speaks in a way that not many people do, and it makes me happy’
‘You have to see this butterfly, it’s got the most unique wings’
‘I want to do something different this year’

How many times have you made such statements? How did you feel when you read the statements above? Did you feel a sense of awe or did you feel repulsed? Now take a moment to list down 1 thing, 1 person and 1 place that brings you comfort.

In answering the above question, most of you would have found a common thread - our comfort lies in the familiar. The things, people and places that are known to us. We’re familiar with them and hence, they bring us comfort. When faced with something unfamiliar, our natural instinct is to retreat because we feel uncomfortable.

Change is the only constant, they say. It comes with another constant - discomfort. Unfortunately, this feeling is something that is passed down generations and while we’re learning to unlearn this pattern, it’s one of the first experiences of ‘being different’ that we face. This blog is here to remind you to not be hard on yourself and answer why you carry feelings of shame and fear into your adult life, as well.

Where does this behaviour stem from?
Let’s look at puppies for a moment. When they’re born, they’re expected to roll around with their litter, be playful, and sleep for 20+ hours. With puppies, one expects teething, naughtiness, lots of sleep and puppy barks. When they grow older, they are independent, playful, know your routine, adjust and cuddle more. If a puppy follows this rite of passage, they’re the best. If they don’t, we wonder what went wrong and tend to catastrophize the situation. And that is where we make a mistake.

When things don’t go according to what was expected, our initial reaction is not to wonder ‘Where will this path take us’ or ‘This is interesting, I am excited for it’. Our first instinct is to be worried, look for a way to course-correct and list everything that possibly went wrong. That fear leads to behavior alteration or correction. In the case of humans, that is done through constant verbal and non-verbal feedback. When you are constantly being told that what you’re doing, how you’re feeling or the way you’re thinking is wrong you feel a need to change that. It makes you perceive yourself as something broken, embarrassing which eventually crystallizes itself as shame. Any criticism on those aspects, years later, ends up triggering feelings of shame.

It’s not a reflection of you, it never was. It’s a reflection on how we at large struggle to accept the unfamiliar outside our comfort zones. There’s a certain threshold that human beings have for tolerating differences, and if something goes beyond that, it makes them uncomfortable - leading to altering the situation.

The change begins with you:
Society may not have been tolerable to your differences then, but tell us you’re not making the same mistake. Tell us you’re holding space for your differences and embracing them. What sets you apart are your differences. Take today and remind the child inside of you that it’s imperative you showcase what sets you apart instead of hiding it and fighting it. Find people who reflect the beauty of differences. Look at yourself like you’d look at someone with immense grace and potential who struggles to see themselves like that. Today, look at things you can control, factors you can influence and how you can be extraordinary by taking a simple step of courage and standing up for yourself. If you find it difficult, speak to someone who will hold hope, courage and strength for you until then. Find them here, speak for yourself, speak to them.