Why Is It So Difficult to Express My Feelings To My Partner?

A romantic relationship stands on many different pillars and one underlying fundamental amongst them is communication. Everything from respect, transparency, intimacy, arguments and expectations require communication. More often than not, we are able to communicate in anger, sarcasm, silent exchanges or disappointment, but be honest - how many of you find it difficult to communicate your fears, expectations, hurt and small feelings of vulnerability to your partner? If you answered yes, you’re embracing a fundamental fabric of being human. 

What are attachment styles and why should you know about them? 

We all have different attachment styles (primarily - anxious, avoidant, disorganized and secure). These attachments are formed in our childhood with our primary caregivers. As adults, we mirror the dynamics we had as children.

The attachment style we form in our childhood is the driving force behind how we respond emotionally and interact with our partners/peers. While the dominance and overlap of attachment styles can change through the years, it is rare for adults to completely change their attachment styles. It is important to know that no one has a perfect fit for any of these styles, but rather an interplay on which two styles are most dominant. Naturally, these styles have different communication patterns.

#1: Anxious Attachment: 

Individuals with an anxious attachment (19%) are almost always worried about their relationship, fearing their partner will leave them or feeling insecure in their daily living patterns. The need for validation is high and while they may come across as ‘needy or clingy’: it is a manifestation of their fears.

They avoid confrontation, difficult conversations, expressing their needs and/or speaking about their hurt because of a constant nagging anxiousness. 

#2: Avoidant Attachment: 

Individuals with avoidant attachment (25%) are insecure about emotional intimacy. They have difficulty in getting invested with their partners, trusting them and asking for help. Relationships, especially monogamous ones, can sometimes make them feel suffocated, requiring them to keep their partner at an arm's length from their headspace. This is what people casually refer to as ‘emotionally unavailable’ or ‘commitment phobic’. 

They like to only rely on themselves, making communication about needs and desires difficult. They have difficulty in being dependent on their partner, asking for their various needs, reading their cues or speaking about emotions in the abstract. 

#3: Disorganised Attachment: 

Disorganized attachment (5%) is a combination of anxious and avoidant styles. It is the dichotomy between craving intense emotional closeness while wanting to avoid it at the same time. Individuals find it difficult to set and respect boundaries, can be neglecting of their partner and the needs of relationships and are attracted towards volatile relationships. 

While communicating their needs, they can be extremely open on one day and then shut down the very next second without a trigger. They are likely to follow patterns, struggle with vulnerability and close off from their partners because they feel guilty to have opened up. 

#4: Secure Attachment: 

Individuals with secure attachment (51%) are trustworthy, accepting of love, can trust people easily, do not panic when their partner requires space and are available for their partner in a healthy balance. 

While it may seem like they won’t have any issues communicating with their partners, that is not true. It is here that individual, gender and environmental factors come into play at their maximum: are they societally sanctioned to express emotions? How much and in what forms? 

They usually struggle with their emotional regulation and find it difficult to understand their partner's needs, especially if the partner has a different attachment style. They also find it difficult to handle fluctuating power equations in relationships. While they are extremely caring and loving, they can often also struggle to handle attention on themselves or ask for it. 

What next?

In conclusion, there are many factors such as unresolved trauma, gender differences, lack of a safe environment - real or perceived, etc that contribute to difficulties in expressing your true feelings to your partner. All of these in addition to attachment styles are worth exploring in therapy, as they can significantly help you, your emotional expression and the quality of your relationships.